Things that are Under the Carpet

I felt compelled to leave my church. There were several factors: but yeah, one of them was the way the pastor and his wife treated a friend of mine, a woman living in an abusive home.

The abuse was mostly verbal and emotional. When my friend, I’ll call her Anna, and her husband, I’ll call him Jerry, went to the pastor and his wife for counseling, Jerry’s behavior was deemed “inappropriate.” Anna’s attitude, they said, was selfish.

The pastor’s wife is a newly certified NANC counselor and is paid through the church to provide services to women seeking godly direction.

She said some horrible things to Anna. Some unforgivable things. Things that make me, when I think of them, burn with anger. (I’m working on that!) Though Jerry has sociopathic tendencies, is a chronic liar, was verbally and emotionally abusive to his stepdaughter (from the time the little girl was a toddler), was controlling to the point of being obsessive, hurled insults at his wife and behaved erratically, his various actions were only labeled as “inappropriate.”

Nine years they sought counseling. At times, Anna had high hopes; she believed the imposing presence that is our pastor was just the thing to get through to Jerry. It didn’t. So Anna finally decided she couldn’t live in constant fear; the tumultuous environment was destroying her, deadening her spirit. She was… scared.

So she left.

She was told, by her newly certified NANC counselor, that leaving her husband was the same as taking her kids, lining them up, and then “blowing their brains out” with a shotgun.

These words haunt her whenever one of her children acts out, melts down, has a bad day. Even though she knows they aren’t true, the words cut into her heart and made a permanent mark. This certified counselor took what was most precious to Anna and flung it at her as a weapon to make her behave and conform to the church’s wishes.

This next statement is really out there. Like out farther than Mars out there. Like, DOES THIS COUNSELOR EVEN THINK BEFORE SHE OPENS HER MOUTH?

The newly appointed NANC counselor told my friend Anna that she had grown up with a physically abusive father. She told how her father would sometimes beat her until she was bloody, and that he beat her mother, too, but her mother was faithful to God and stayed with her husband. She told how at least her parents stayed together!

Here’s the kicker, the you did not just go THERE statement: she told Anna that the Lord had mercy on her mother, and took her home to live in heaven at the age of 46.

Anna’s response? Oh that’s just great. I’ve got a couple of years left, and then I leave the earth and my kids to be raised by this man.

When my husband and I confronted the pastor about these statements, his response was that sometimes counselors have to use hyperbole to get a message across to stubborn counselees. In the same meeting, he insinuated that my friend Anna was having an inappropriate relationship with another man (she wasn’t) and that we, her friends, didn’t know the whole story. So much for counselor-patient confidentiality. He threw her under the bus without a thought and attempted to slander her reputation.

Oh but there’s more. While all of this counseling was taking place? Our esteemed pastor OWED Jerry (who was quite wealthy and often took the Pastor to nice golf courses, out to eat, etc.) $25,000 he had borrowed to pay off various debts.

I’ll let you contemplate that ethical implication of that statement.

What is sad is that so many leaders in the church don’t consider emotional or verbal abuse actual abuse. This is a HUGE PROBLEM. I’ve been so pleased with recent articles by author and speaker Chuck Colson, who addresses the way the church sweeps domestic abuse situations under the rug, imploring beleaguered wives just to “submit more,” to “be more kind and less self-serving” in order to soften their husband’s hearts, punches, and words.

I wrote a letter to the elders of my church, drawing attention to the above situation.

I believe my letter, along with Anna’s cries for help, are under the sanctuary carpet.

Articles by Chuck Colson:

Daisy Chain: Protecting the Least of These From Abuse

Providing Shelter: The Church and Domestic Abuse

An Ugly Secret: Domestic Violence Within the Church