Critique of Biblical Counseling Foundation's Instruction Course: Part 2

The counseling manual constantly refers to a case study entitled “Mary’s Husband Has Left Her” which tells the story of two selfish, insipid, and seemingly unintelligent individuals who are unfortunately linked together through marriage.

The case study mostly revolves around Mary being resentful at Tom for not helping out more around the house. He spends all of their money on himself and Mary is having a hard time paying bills/ buying food etc. She is a Christian; he is not. He comes off as, quite frankly, a bit of a loser. Mary resorts to nagging and complaining.

Most of the counseling focus is directed at Mary, her self-absorption, selfishness, and complaining attitude. She is counseled to submit to her husband in all things, to serve him breakfast every morning, and not neglect her responsibilities as a housewife just because she is angry and feeling overwhelmed and depressed. (Her husband gets angry when she does not get up and make him breakfast in the morning.)

The counseling manual points out Mary’s many uses of “unbiblical words and actions.” Viewing Mary through a biblical lens, we are supposed to write down what Mary’s words and actions indicate about her.

In the case study, Mary’s husband, Tom, ends up attending counseling sessions with her and remains mostly silent, a victim of his wife’s overbearing complaints and verbal accusations. We are meant to see him as someone who has had his spirit trampled by a wife who has usurped his authority, thrown his authority back in his face (at one point, she yells out, “You decide! You’re supposed to be the leader in this family!”), and neglected her own wifely responsibilities, namely housekeeping and sex.

The counselors hold Mary accountable to her household responsibilities by having her keep a list of priorities and scheduling her daily chores. She is to complete these chores regardless of how she feels. She is to be a servant to her husband.

Tom is confronted, too, for his misdeeds. The authors of this manual are vague about specifics, but he is confronted about his lack of consideration for his wife’s efforts. However, the focus is sharply on Mary, since she is the Christian on the case study. Tom eventually does come to Christ and, shockingly,toward the end of their counseling sessions, he admits he has a drinking problem that is eating up his family’s income.

I’m not going to get into the blatant sexism in this case study, or the way the book presents, at a very surface-level, the problems that result in a marriage as a result of a loudmouth, nagging, nit-picking wife. It is such a stereotypical scenario. We could all watch re-runs of the Jon and Kate and all their kids show if I we wanted to dissect a marriage torn apart my shallow, selfish behaviors.

As I read the counselor's responses to this couple's dilemma, I do find it incredibly odd that no one called out Tom on his alcoholism earlier in the counseling sessions. If they didn’t notice it, they are obviously not qualified to be family counselors. If they did, and chose not to confront him with it and make it one of the primary foci of the counseling sessions, well… that scares me.

Biblical counselors are staunch about the following aspects of a biblical marriage:

a) Divorce is not an option except in the case of infidelity. Abuse doesn’t even qualify. Oftentimes, physical abuse doesn’t qualify, let alone verbal, mental, and emotional. Spousal addictions don’t qualify, abandonment, which is listed as a reason for divorce, is greatly debated, and child abuse doesn’t even qualify. (Though most nouthetic counselors will advocate getting the authorities involved if someone is in danger, a separation period with the hopes of biblical reconciliation is always the desired outcome.)

b) Submission is key. Biblical submission and wifely submission are hammered into counselee’s brains again and again. According to this case study, all it takes for a marriage to be restored to God is if the wife starts cleaning up after her husband without complaining and makes dinner on time. Less harped upon is the fact that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. Here’s a quote from the training manual:

“Your love for your spouse is not to be based on your emotions, circumstances, or your spouse’s responses. Instead, you are to love your spouse in obedience to the Lord. Remember that God does not command you to feel like loving. Instead, He directs you to think, speak, and act in a loving manner even when your spouse chooses to have only casual contact with you, acts like your enemy, is a believer or an unbeliever.”

For common, day-to-day marital problems, including dealing with a lazy husband or a nagging wife, this is a quote (based in Scripture) to fall back on.

However, if your counselee’s husband is pummeling her day after day, this probably isn’t the best quote to share with her.

The manual’s neglect of common problems that people seek counseling for is shocking. They don’t go into the specifics of:

Infidelity
Emotional abuse
Sexual abuse
Physical Abuse
Violent Tempers
Severe Addictions
Mood disorders
Rebellious children
Severe Depression

(I understand this manual is an overview, but the fact that it is so adamant in its authority undermines individual needs and problems.)

Is the bible so stringent that counselors feel they must resort to threatening (they call it confronting) scared wives to stick with their husbands because leaving is a sin not ever worth considering? Is it appropriate to sweep major problems, like alcoholism, under the rug, without conversing about the way this has spiritually, mentally, and even physically affected all of the members of a family? Are we to hold the marriage covenant higher than physical and financial safety?

Nouthetic counselors would answer a resounding yes.

I’m not so sure.